A few thoughts from the weekend

I am down in Elberta, Alabama right now. I saw Uncle Oscar today. He is Paw Paw's brother and let me just say, I am shocked they aren't twins. Oscar sat like paw paw and talked like paw paw. It made me miss my paw paw so so so so much.
Memaw seems sad that this is her last night in Elberta. I think she is hopeful of the move and what the future holds but there is a sadness in her eyes. She seems like she has reverted back to being a child again. I took her shopping today for dishes for her new apartment. There were a couple of times when I had to pull myself together and not cry.
Getting old is so sad.
There is a verse in Psalms that says "Teach me the Brevity of life"
I might have gotten a glimpse of the brevity of life this weekend. It makes me want to re-evaluate everything in my life. What matters? What doesn't?
Oh it is sad watching my memaw lose her mental stability.
So many emotions...Joy and happiness that memaw will be close to me, sadness that she is mentally slipping away and sadness because I feel a little like we are abandoning paw paw.

And now I will put my kids to bed and as I do I can't help but wonder what will they see when I am old? Will I know who they are?

Lord teach me the Brevity of life. Teach me what to value and what to trash.

Slowly but Surely

About a year and a half ago I, for the third time, was put on anti-depressants. I have never liked being on them and have always been determined to get off. This last time I went into a depression after my Paw Paw passed away. Seeing him suffer from cancer messed me up pretty bad. My body quit working right from the stress of it all and on top of that I was eating horribly.
Over the last year God has opened my eyes to so many issues regarding health. I know in my heart that his plan for me is not anti-depressants. So once again, I am weaning off.
Weaning off is never a fun process because it always brings headaches (migraines) and dizziness. It is really miserable. But God has led me to two different health professionals that have helped me come off these pills easily and healthily. I am feeling great, with the exception of a few minor side effects. I really feel good and am completely confident that this will be the last time I go through this. God has brought me to freedom in this area and in two weeks I will be totally off any anti-depressant medication for the rest of my life. That feels so good to say that. Thank you God for freedom.

What restrictions?

A couple of years ago we laid sod in the back yard. Now, I am not afraid to let you know that we saved and spent a pretty penny on this grass. It was well worth it because it provided a place for our little treasures to play and run safely. It was a well made sacrifice.
The problem came when we had spent all that money and time and a drought hit Alabama. The worst drought I have seen in my lifetime. It threatened all we had done. There were water restrictions all over Alabama and I don't mind saying we didn't listen to any of them!
After all the labor and money we poured into our back yard, we were not going to let a little drought mess up our hard work.

Oh how this resembles our life. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy the work of the Lord. We have been planting seeds of God's love into Kainaan's life for over three years now and through those three years we have seen many times where the enemy has brought his "drought" through this house. I am happy to announce we did not believe him nor did we give into his "water restrictions" but instead watered even more intentionally the love God has called us to share.
In the last two weeks I have seen what I believe to be some green coming from that fertile soil we have been planting in. He is showing a hunger like never before and asking questions far beyond his age. He is making observations about himself and exploring his emotions like never before. Over the past two weeks I have had the awesome opportunity to explain in depth the wonder of our Lord to my precious little ten year old boy.
I can finally begin to to see the fruit of that labor. He is so open to spiritual matters right now. It is as if I can see before my very eyes the Lord shaping his little heart of clay and molding it into a beautiful piece of art.
I am so privileged to be a part of this. This is an absolute honor.

Though the drought may come, we will continue to ignore the restrictions and water our soil. These moments we catch where the growth is finely coming through makes all the wearisome hours of work, prayer, and tears worth it.

Tonight we went to the Christmas service at the church. They always do a candle light part in the end where they cut off all the lights and then let every ones candles penetrate the darkness and light up the room. It was so emotional for me this year. I looked around the room at the light that was breaking through the darkness and I bent down and told Elijah, "Do you see that baby? That light is just what God does in our lives. He penetrates our darkness and makes it go away" He looked around the room and the looked up at me and with a gentle little nod smiled as if he could grasp what I was saying.
How beautiful to be chosen by God to share His love with these precious treasures.
God's light is truly shining bright in this house this Christmas.
Happy Birthday Jesus, you are the best gift we could ever receive.

Identity

I have grown up in a time and where success and identity were linked. The status you hold at your job is the status you hold in life. If you went to college and have a successful job then you are a successful person.
Because of this mentality I have often felt "less than" because I am a stay at home mom. Now I am homeschooling and the truth is that on more than one occasion the thought has crossed my mind that I should be out working.
When I was a dog groomer, that is what I identified with. I was good at my job and put my heart and soul into it because I thought that is who I was.
So now that I am a stay at home mom, what do I identify with? I love my job, please don't misunderstand me. I have just recently had to travel down a road and reject that lie that what I do determines who I am. The truth is that who I am determines what I do. I am a good mom and a good teacher and I love my kids with all my heart. I am having to retrain my mind to think about this differently. My identity is in Christ alone.
Sometimes...let me rephrase...most of the time, there is not a visible reward for being a parent. Most jobs in this world offer instant gratification to your work. Not parenting. Every now and then you get a glimpse of something in your children that makes you think you are doing a good job, but for the most part, you are just praying to God that he will perform a miracle!
I was thinking about all that a mom does.
She is a:
Teacher
Nurse
Waitress
Maid
Warden
Counselor
Friend
Chef
Interior designer
Cheerleader
Professional at coloring
professional photographer

I suppose the list could go on. When I really think about all that a mom does, it doesn't seem so insignificant anymore. Maybe in the worlds eyes I am not living my potential. I have chosen to set that part of my life aside now so that I can help my children live theirs.
This is the best job in the world.
I know that as soon as I turn around my children will be married and have a family of their own, so I am going to treasure every moment because they are so short and so precious and completely irreplaceable.
Thank you Jesus for allowing me the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I know many women would like to be and can't. Thank you for this blessing in my life.

The Battle

Last night I was ready to lie down and let the enemy defeat me. I was exhausted and tired of fighting. God forgive me. This morning the Lord has reminded me how important it is for me to renew myself in him and continue the battle.
Life retreat is tonight and tomorrow and the enemy is at work to keep the goodness of God from penetrating my heart. NO MORE!!! No more will I lie down and be defeated. I will take up my cross, put on my armor and fight.
Those who know me well know that I am a passionate person. I am competitive and fierce. Apparently the enemy of my soul does not know me well. A fire has been lit in my heart this morning and I will fight to the death for my God, my family, my heart.
Look out Lucifer, a great force is coming, his name is Jesus, I AM, Emmanuel, and he empowers me. Your days are numbers, your victories few for the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob has won the war and I take my place as his soldier and say "I will surrender no more!"

Ephesians 6:12
For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Psalm 144:1
Praise the Lord, who is my rock. He trains my hands for war and gives my fingers skill for battle.




How Did You Die
Edmund Vance Cooke

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble's a ton, or a trouble's an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it.
And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?

You are beaten to earth? Well, Well what's that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It's nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there-that's disgrace.
The harder your thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts;
It's how did you fight and why?

And though you be done to death, what then?
If you battled the best you could;
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl or comes with a pounce,
And whether he's slow or spry,
It isn't the fact that your dead that counts,
But only, how did you die?

Light in the Darkness

As I was spending sometime in prayer this morning, I was asking God why I have these rough spots in my life. Not that everything is going wrong, more that I can't sense the presence of God in my life. He gave me this great picture to explain it to me.
Have you ever noticed that if you focus on a light or an object and then all the lights go out, you can still see the outline of that object while your eyes adjust to the darkness. If you have never done this, do it tonight. It is really cool. Focus on an object and then while you are doing that have someone cut off all the lights and notice how you can still see the outline of the object.
Jesus showed me that if I focus on him and keep my heart and eyes set on the truth then when the lights go (when life gets stressful and busy) out I can still see him.
I love when he gives me these little tidbits of love.
I will keep my eyes focused on him this holiday season. It is so easy to forget that he is the whole reason we celebrate this time. I get caught up in the parties and chaos of the season...and of course the food!! This year however I will focus on him.
This year he will be the center of our celebration. So when the chaos sets in, I will still have a view of my savior.

Black is Back

For the past year, whenever memaw comes to visit the family, we keep her miniature Schnauzer at our house. His name is Blackie and there is not much miniature about him. He is a fatty. He is a really sweet dog and we don't mind having him here.
We have been asking memaw to move up here for a while and she finally decided it was time. She will be moving into an assisted living place at the end of January. I feel sad and excited about this. I feel sad for her because she is leaving a place she loves a lot and starting a new life. I feel excited because she is going to be so close and i can take the kids to see her often. I love my memaw.
What does this mean for Blackie??
He is coming to live with us. The Black is back for good.
He is a little over weight, which we will fix with some good old fassion walkin'. He is super sweet and loving. And fortunately for him he is living with a dog groomer, so after a few months of getting the old hair off and the new hair on he will be very cute.